Crying

Crying (in honor of Shannon)

Every day I cry when I think of the hurt

Every day I cry when the lassitude’s of destruction

You have laid on my poor grieving heart

Come crashing down on my head

“It’s not you, it’s me” you said

It’s not me that broke up my world

Made it all come crashing down

That was you too

It wasn’t me that had to break up with my voicemail

That was you as well

All the time I’m stewing in my own head, crying

Looking at pictures of us, crying

Thinking about your family functions, crying

Driving to and from work, listening to pitifully sad love songs

Still crying every step of the way

I try to call you and you ignore my calls

You won’t let me have closure and end it like a grown up

So I have to sit here stuck in infancy

Trying to figure out how to do anything besides cry

I need to pick my heart up again

Restructure the pieces back into a solid figure

My heart is broken and I want to make it whole again

But I keep crying

I want to move, yet I keep crying

Stagnated by the way you left me in the dark

Holding and consoling myself, and still crying

"An Akili Carter original"

When Love is Madness

When love is madness (in honor of Marni)
When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next

When every word they say goes through your chest

When those words crash into your heart like shrapnel

The love makes you mad like you have no sanity

All you can say is “you drive me crazy”

So as you drink in his unpredictability

He lives in insanity

But not as in crazy

He keeps you off balance emotionally

While he drains his emotions in liquid libation

Stifled by sporadic emotional masturbation

Today he is emotive, tomorrow he might not be

You want to return to the first days of how he used to be

The time when he used to be so sweet and caring

Now all he seems to care about is everything but you

When love is madness you try to remain stable

When love is madness you attempt to smile

There’s no medication or therapy to fix this hurt

There’s no one person besides him, whom can Aleve this hurt

You want him to grab you and hug you, to relieve the hurt

So tired of reliving this hurt and pain

I just want to be normal again

I so often forget what is normal again and again

Never knew if we were normal to begin with

When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next

When every word he says goes through your chest

When those destroy your heart and prevent it from beating

When love is madness

The madness seems never ending


"An Akili Carter original"

Through the bottle

Alcoholic mother, father, and brother

Drinking always the lone thing that connects them together

Liquor the substance that appears thicker than blood

For their family

I try to sit back and look at things objectively

But get so angry that I feel like I need a drink myself

Want to take the drama and displace it for her

Want to destroy the negativity and transform it into something more

They are always looking at each other through the bottle

The only strong family ties seemed to be sewn together

Amongst the beer and vodka goldschlager and grey goose

I look at she and she only looks sad and hurt

Even though she looked for more from them

They were always looking back at her through a bottle

Incessantly swigging, shot-ing, and chugging

The alcohol lubricating the pain that has been omnipresent

Dusting her heart with glass bottle shards

Cancer, homeless, locked up, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg

Dancing around each other in an alcohol hazed stupor

Her mind numbs and slows as if she was drinking when she sees them

I see them, meticulously destroy her

She wants them to show love and share their hearts

But none of them know how to express anything but criticism

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

And the drinks take them back into their cold closed off hearts

Not knowing how to tell their sister and daughter that they love her

Not knowing how to express love

Looking for love she is

But all they can show her is the empty bottle

The empty loves in their life

All I can do is show her that at the end of the day

Empty bottles are just empty bottles

"An Akili Carter original"

A ballpoint pen without the ink (inspired by a line written by Yvonne)

You make me feel like a ballpoint pen without the ink

Like an empty glass when you want a drink

You make me incomplete

Completely lost and inconsolable

But I don’t need you in my life at all

But I want to be near you no matter what I say

All I can say is that I want to be a part of you

All I need to say is freak off I don’t want to be around you

I feel so lost and alone, that I’m a map without cities or states

I’m Alicia Keys or John Legend without a piano to play



You make me feel like a ballpoint pen without the ink

I’m a kitchen without a refrigerator or sink

I’m feeling real metaphorical today

So I am a sculptor without the clay

I am an artist without a paint brush or paint

I’m a tattoo artist with out a needle or ink



You make me feel like a ballpoint pen without the ink

Enough metaphors and similes

I’m hurt without you and devastated when you are with me

Cry tears so hard that my tears are mini travesties

Want to be near you but callous over when you are too close to me

I’m so cracked my heart has fault lines

So sad that I’m really sad and can’t come up with a crazy poetic way to say it

Bottom line is that we are at the end of the line and for once it’s not on me

I want to cry for you but am actually crying for me



You make me feel like a ballpoint pen without the ink

Dry and barren

Devoid of anymore poetry

But I’ll get better soon enough

And ill be refilled with the ink of life soon enough

"An Akili Carter original"

right now

Right Now
I can’t write a happy poem right now

I can’t paint roses and rainbows with a heavy heart right now

I won’t be able to locate the inspiration for a dedication right now

My heart is bruised and dented right now

My eyes are red, blurry, and burning right now

So don’t ask me to smile right now

Because, my poems are cold and jaded right now

Well this poem is hard and skewed right now

I can’t pick up a pen and compose songs right now

I can’t dance with the words right now

I’ll just stumble over the missed steps right now

And fumble over the counts that are off beat right now

The art in my poetry is broken right now

The ink is running thin right now

No matter how hard I squeeze my brain

The pain is too intense right now

I can’t exude happiness for you right now

All the dead butterfly carcasses are pilling up right now

I’m broken up right now

I’m too hardened right now

I can’t write a happy poem right now

I’m just staring at an empty page right now

I’m just writing a sad poem right now

Because, I feel lost in my own hurt right now

"An Akili Carter original"

The Soloist (inspired by the movie)

The soloist


Imagine digesting music and hearing every nuance

Picture yourself composing Beethoven or Bach

I want to write symphonies like that

Where every word dances in your head like a musical note

When every letter is distinct and full of beauty

Because my beauty and your beauty must meet in symbiosis

I want the lines to destroy my world and rebuild it in one swoop

Destroy any ideas I had previously of what poetry is or what music is

Every psalm will become a concerto

I want my pen to manipulate the page like a bow does a violin

That’s the beauty of poetry

It’s the music of my mind and my soul

It’s the rhythm that dances in my heart

And while I might not exist just to write poetry

I hope one day I am able to honor my craft

And become a true soloist



"An Akili Carter original"

I'm here alone

I’m here alone
I’m here alone crying into your arms hugging me

Oh wait, dam!

Those are my arms

I got caught up in thinking they were yours

I got entranced looking at your picture

Staring so hard that I really felt you were looking back at me

But I still woke up all alone

The left side of the bed is cold as hell

While my heart freezes and my tears crumble off my face

I’m here alone dancing in my own perpetual vomit, full of your promises

Remember the shower water pouring down my face

While you told me your lies

The water turning into cold daggers stabbing my love for you

The pictures I brought into the shower to burn

Get wet and matted, as they slip out of my hand

I fall on top of them and I’m still crying here over you

Still lying here over you

Wishing that I was holding you and lying next to you

While you lie next to me

I’m ripping photos now as the writing smears in my hand

Like our love smeared at your hands

I’m here alone crying into your arms hugging me

Oh wait, dam!

Those are my arms

Those are my hands

Those are my freaking tears

Filling up the tub as I lie here

But, I’m here alone



"An Akili Carter original"

The rose that never wilts (for my parents)

The rose that never wilts (For my parents)



You are the rose that never wilts

The hugs and love that never quit

You are the constant in a life full of inconstant

You are the one who is there to whisper in my ear

The first to wipe away life caused tears

The ones who showed me that life is about doing what you need to

Not necessarily what you want to

Two beings as strong as granite and marble

Who have lasted the test of time

In time to test the stability of the children they have made

All the time ready to lend a few dollars

All of the time ready to give advice

All of the time ready to ask how was your day

While every day is not perfect

And every day is not full of rainbows and flowers

Your caring questions and concern

Have cause me to realize that I have two fabulous parents

Two roses that never give up on their baby boy

That had the gumption and talent

To raise a lawyer

To raise a therapist

To raise a future Physicians assistant

To raise a future MBA

To raise a entrepreneur

To give voice to an autistic child who did not have his own voice

You are the roses that never wilt or fade

Never say no when, no might be the best answer for you

But because it was always the right answer for me, you said “yes”

You are the two roses in my life

And have been since day one of my life
 
"An Akili Carter original"

Confused

Confused
I usually look to my poems for solace and relief

What do I do now when I’m confused

Feel sad everyday like all my days are full of grief

Want to really shed some tears but need to be strong for me

I don’t even believe I have an answer to this question

Want to look to the stars and pray for direction

Well I never really prayed before

So I don’t want to be considered an opportunist

I’m not that selfish

I’m confused about the orientation of this compass

Trying to look for direction but my heart feels like a broken compass

Like I’m just tired of feeling tired

And being tired has me feeling like I should be more wired

I didn’t intend for this to be more then a few lines thrown together

Feel lost in my own head and heart like a lost child

Disconnected from my own feelings right now

Haven’t picked up the pen in about two weeks

Want to be strong, but being strong makes me feel weak

Makes my handles tremble from rejection

Meaning the words will be rejected by my heart

I'm confused and I don’t know where to start

"An Akili Carter original"

Words Are My Weapons of Choice

I grab my pen and cock it ready for war

Ready to go into hand to hand combat with misconceptions

Just cause I’m 6 foot 5 doesn’t mean that poetry doesn’t move my soul

Just because I like to shoot the ball doesn’t mean, I don’t stab my pen into my veins

Draw ink tinged blood like the rest of the poets

I’m from Long Isle and the art is in my heart

Just like in Chelsea or tribeca

I use words just like anyone else does to fight my wars

I use my words to make people cry when I want to be caustic

I use my words to heal broken hearts

Like when Kelly lost her best friend

The words are my weapons to let my girl know she is loved

There is no need for grenades or knives, f a gun

Because, my gun has pentel written on the barrel

And has paper mate etched on the handle

My pen shoots bullets tipped with graphite metaphors that penetrate deep

Deep into your soul

Deep into your cerebellum and help you realize that

The weapons that you use don’t affect me

I borrow bullets from Hughes, Cullen, and Nikki

I get ammo from Biggie, Jay-Z, and Jadakiss

So kiss your weapons good bye because if we stand

Toe to toe me and you, you’re out gunned and out manned

Words are the flavor they savor in my neighborhood

Not that it’s so hood

But it’s my hood and you better enter armed with vocab

My weapons were supplied by my mother and father

Are going to be carried on by my son and daughter

Are going to be potent until the day, words like mine aren’t important

Because, every poet needs to have their weapons cocked to aim

Whether in L I or B K

Words are my weapons and I would have it no other way

"An Akili Carter original"