Crying (in honor of Shannon)
Every day I cry when I think of the hurt
Every day I cry when the lassitude’s of destruction
You have laid on my poor grieving heart
Come crashing down on my head
“It’s not you, it’s me” you said
It’s not me that broke up my world
Made it all come crashing down
That was you too
It wasn’t me that had to break up with my voicemail
That was you as well
All the time I’m stewing in my own head, crying
Looking at pictures of us, crying
Thinking about your family functions, crying
Driving to and from work, listening to pitifully sad love songs
Still crying every step of the way
I try to call you and you ignore my calls
You won’t let me have closure and end it like a grown up
So I have to sit here stuck in infancy
Trying to figure out how to do anything besides cry
I need to pick my heart up again
Restructure the pieces back into a solid figure
My heart is broken and I want to make it whole again
But I keep crying
I want to move, yet I keep crying
Stagnated by the way you left me in the dark
Holding and consoling myself, and still crying
"An Akili Carter original"
“Poetry is an orphan of silence. The words never quite equal the experience behind them.” Charles Simic. Poetry has been my solace for the last 16 years. My new book is called "A Man Undefined" these are some of the poems from the collection. Contact me via facebook if you are interested in ordering either of my books. Thanks for stopping in.
25.11.09
When Love is Madness
When love is madness (in honor of Marni)
When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next
When every word they say goes through your chest
When those words crash into your heart like shrapnel
The love makes you mad like you have no sanity
All you can say is “you drive me crazy”
So as you drink in his unpredictability
He lives in insanity
But not as in crazy
He keeps you off balance emotionally
While he drains his emotions in liquid libation
Stifled by sporadic emotional masturbation
Today he is emotive, tomorrow he might not be
You want to return to the first days of how he used to be
The time when he used to be so sweet and caring
Now all he seems to care about is everything but you
When love is madness you try to remain stable
When love is madness you attempt to smile
There’s no medication or therapy to fix this hurt
There’s no one person besides him, whom can Aleve this hurt
You want him to grab you and hug you, to relieve the hurt
So tired of reliving this hurt and pain
I just want to be normal again
I so often forget what is normal again and again
Never knew if we were normal to begin with
When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next
When every word he says goes through your chest
When those destroy your heart and prevent it from beating
When love is madness
The madness seems never ending
"An Akili Carter original"
When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next
When every word they say goes through your chest
When those words crash into your heart like shrapnel
The love makes you mad like you have no sanity
All you can say is “you drive me crazy”
So as you drink in his unpredictability
He lives in insanity
But not as in crazy
He keeps you off balance emotionally
While he drains his emotions in liquid libation
Stifled by sporadic emotional masturbation
Today he is emotive, tomorrow he might not be
You want to return to the first days of how he used to be
The time when he used to be so sweet and caring
Now all he seems to care about is everything but you
When love is madness you try to remain stable
When love is madness you attempt to smile
There’s no medication or therapy to fix this hurt
There’s no one person besides him, whom can Aleve this hurt
You want him to grab you and hug you, to relieve the hurt
So tired of reliving this hurt and pain
I just want to be normal again
I so often forget what is normal again and again
Never knew if we were normal to begin with
When you cannot figure out what is going to happen next
When every word he says goes through your chest
When those destroy your heart and prevent it from beating
When love is madness
The madness seems never ending
"An Akili Carter original"
3.11.09
Through the bottle
Alcoholic mother, father, and brother
Drinking always the lone thing that connects them together
Liquor the substance that appears thicker than blood
For their family
I try to sit back and look at things objectively
But get so angry that I feel like I need a drink myself
Want to take the drama and displace it for her
Want to destroy the negativity and transform it into something more
They are always looking at each other through the bottle
The only strong family ties seemed to be sewn together
Amongst the beer and vodka goldschlager and grey goose
I look at she and she only looks sad and hurt
Even though she looked for more from them
They were always looking back at her through a bottle
Incessantly swigging, shot-ing, and chugging
The alcohol lubricating the pain that has been omnipresent
Dusting her heart with glass bottle shards
Cancer, homeless, locked up, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg
Dancing around each other in an alcohol hazed stupor
Her mind numbs and slows as if she was drinking when she sees them
I see them, meticulously destroy her
She wants them to show love and share their hearts
But none of them know how to express anything but criticism
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
And the drinks take them back into their cold closed off hearts
Not knowing how to tell their sister and daughter that they love her
Not knowing how to express love
Looking for love she is
But all they can show her is the empty bottle
The empty loves in their life
All I can do is show her that at the end of the day
Empty bottles are just empty bottles
"An Akili Carter original"
Drinking always the lone thing that connects them together
Liquor the substance that appears thicker than blood
For their family
I try to sit back and look at things objectively
But get so angry that I feel like I need a drink myself
Want to take the drama and displace it for her
Want to destroy the negativity and transform it into something more
They are always looking at each other through the bottle
The only strong family ties seemed to be sewn together
Amongst the beer and vodka goldschlager and grey goose
I look at she and she only looks sad and hurt
Even though she looked for more from them
They were always looking back at her through a bottle
Incessantly swigging, shot-ing, and chugging
The alcohol lubricating the pain that has been omnipresent
Dusting her heart with glass bottle shards
Cancer, homeless, locked up, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg
Dancing around each other in an alcohol hazed stupor
Her mind numbs and slows as if she was drinking when she sees them
I see them, meticulously destroy her
She wants them to show love and share their hearts
But none of them know how to express anything but criticism
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
And the drinks take them back into their cold closed off hearts
Not knowing how to tell their sister and daughter that they love her
Not knowing how to express love
Looking for love she is
But all they can show her is the empty bottle
The empty loves in their life
All I can do is show her that at the end of the day
Empty bottles are just empty bottles
"An Akili Carter original"
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